As the digital universe becomes an increasingly integral part of our lives, with each passing year, the windows of opportunity for naughtiness open even wider. No longer do cheating partners have to turn to platforms like Asleigh Madison to find a cheat-mate. Because while that still happens, it’s never been easier to find secret ways of courting digitally.
The problem is, digital breadcrumbs are everywhere, and so too are real-life giveaways. You just need to know how to find them. That is, unless the cheater’s proficient at erasing their footprints. Then again, everyone slips up.
Here’s what to look out for.
1. Mail trails
Secret email accounts on services like Gmail, Yandex and Proton allow cheaters to build a communication chain that’s almost undetectable. But, as the naughty escalates, they may be spending more and more time writing sweet nothings to their lover, behind their laptops or on the phone.
It’s a tough one to uncover, because apart from the inordinate time spent on their phone, biometric IDs and two-factor authentication make snooping near impossible. But at some point, investigators say, cheaters will slip up and leave a tab open on their browsers. Timing is everything on this one.
2. Touchy about their phones
If your partner becomes itchy and scratchy about their phones, and who gets to look at them, it may be a warning sign said expert investigators. Then, there are burner phones that are purchased in secret. A partner who erases voicemails, texts or removes the caller ID for example is likely setting up a secret communication channel.
Also look out for other messaging apps outside the ones that they normally use to text you. Botin, Telegram and Signal are some of the popular alternatives to WhatsApp.
Become suspicious when you are not allowed to touch their phone.
3. Working late
Working late may be because of deadlines. But if it happens with mundane regularity, your lover may be sending sweet nothings to someone else. Especially if they turn off the computer when you walk into the room.
Research into cyber cheating has found that cheaters often guard their social media pages, password-protect devices, or obsessively delete browsing history. Look for forgotten websites left open, they are often the smoking gun of tell-tale signs.
4. Arguments occur more often
Cheating can change a partner’s behaviour and often, psychologists say, the guilt manifests through conflict.
US psychologist Seth Meyers wrote that once an affair begins, cheaters often nitpick and provoke arguments. They even accuse their partners of infidelity. It’s a blame-shift game to transfer guilt.
5. ‘I need some space’
When “we” becomes “me”, something’s likely up.
Meyers suggested that cheating partners often pull away from their partners emotionally. He said that they become more aloof, distracted, or less present in the relationship. Symptoms include conversation drying up, lessening intimate moments and at the extreme, taking breaks separately.
Be cautious about the ‘I need space’ conversation. It may be due to work stress and other pressures, but it could easily be an excuse to shake off some emotional bonds.
6. Lack of interest
Your partner used to be there no matter what your worries were. They always gave you a shoulder to lean on. Then, they slowly withdraw.
It may be a sign that they are investigating their emotional capital elsewhere. Meyers explained that emotional neglect, which means less support, less passion and fewer loving moments, is one of the biggest indicators of infidelity.
Therapists have all said that when someone has nothing to hide, they usually listen to you, validate your feelings, and try to repair the bond between you when there is a wobble in a relationship. But when defensiveness becomes someone’s default go-to, or when gaslighting creeps into a relationship, it could mean that the person is defending what they are busy with.
Ultimately, cheating in a digital age is very easy to pull off, harder to detect and it’s not always sexual in the physical sense.
Like in poker, tell-tale signs can be everywhere, but over-analysing someone’s behaviour could also not be healthy for a relationship. Especially if there’s nothing to see.
Know your partner, be open, communicate and as one relationship expert said: Where there is smoke, there may be fire, but don’t assume the worst, because constant suspicion could also drive a perfectly faithful partner away.
