Attachment styles are rooted in our families of origin: The ways our primary caregivers related to us in childhood have a direct correlation with how we relate to people when we enter adulthood.
Being in a partnership where both people are deeply secure with themselves and each other means looking inward and noticing how your own patterns of behavior play out and how they interact with your partner’s patterns.
Here are five things people who are securely attached in their relationships do, according to psychology:
1. They listen
Psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera offered an example of communication between partners with secure attachment styles, highlighting the value of processing emotions together.
When tempers are running high, it can be hard to take a step back and really, truly hear what your partner is saying.
A person with a secure attachment style knows that disagreeing doesn’t automatically lead to breaking up. Instead of going into fight, flight, or freeze mode, they stay calm. They’re able to listen and process what you’re saying without making the conflict about them.
2. They don’t react defensively
Someone with an insecure attachment style is more likely to get defensive when the going gets tough. Instead of holding space for your emotions, they flip the conversation around so that their feelings are centered, instead of yours.
But when your partner has a secure attachment style, they remain open and vulnerable and recognize how you feel. They understand how healing relational wounds is necessary for developing long-lasting, secure relationships, according to a 2011 study.
They don’t make themselves the victim of the situation. Instead, they’re comfortable with discomfort because they know that making a mistake doesn’t make them a bad person.
3. They take accountability
Taking accountability requires a person to acknowledge they’ve caused harm to someone else, even someone they love. Relationships need emotional and practical labor in order to survive. True accountability goes beyond seeing what the problem is. It involves holding yourself responsible for your behavior and being willing to make real change.
4. They’re willing to work through issues
Being in partnership with another person means there will inevitably be some form of conflict. After all, we’re all human, and we’re bound to make mistakes that hurt.
Instead of ignoring a tense situation, using the silent treatment, or screaming, a person with secure attachment will sit with you and have an actual conversation about what went down.
They go beyond just saying they’re sorry. They strategize ways to make sure whatever harm they caused won’t happen again.
When you’re in a relationship rooted in secure attachment, you know your bond is strong enough to withstand a storm because you know neither individual will run away when the challenges come your way, according to a study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
5. They communicate their feelings and needs
Having a secure attachment in a relationship means that you maintain open and honest communication at all times. While every person processes their emotions differently, it’s important to continue having conversations with one another, instead of shutting down.
A partner with secure attachment doesn’t expect you to be a mind-reader. They know that they have to tell you what they want and how they want you to show up for them, in order for you to do so.
So much of having a secure attachment style requires deep inner work, like understanding and setting boundaries for yourself and doing whatever healing is necessary to feel like you’re worthy of love.
Humans are capable of incredible insight and change, including the way we relate to ourselves and the people we love.
